Reminder...

Just when you think one part of your life has ended for good, while a new and fresh one starts, somehow that ending is lifted and you find yourself facing a whole wave pasts in the present.

The moment you try to walk away from the past to move forward to the present, the past seems anchor you down.

The First Step

In about 9 hours, I'll be taking my first step into the professional world of film/tv for the first time. I've worked as an A/V technician and helped out the video company for graduations past, but I think tomorrow will be my first step outside of SUA, outside of what I'm familiar with. I will get a taste of what the industry is like.

For the past couple of days, I've been wondering what to bring with me to my PA job. I had read a handbook on PAing and it was quite useful in terms of what I should expect, what to do, what not to do, etc. But, I think, being the person I am, I felt a little nervous and slightly overly-conscious of how I should present myself when I meet the crew. How will I act? How resourceful I will be? How much will I know? I came to realize that I knew nothing about what I was getting myself into.

So what, I've made a few films. So what, I've worked with a video company. So what, I can handle events and handle organized movements. It may all be experience to me, but may be nothing to the people I will work for next.

Thoughts like these plagued my mind; they made me worry about the tiniest things I shouldn't even wallow over. My friend had told me I should bring a resume and a reel. I didn't have any on-hand so I worried over that. I was so scared of what I might do wrong that I wanted to bail. I even spent the past couple of hours looking up a checklist of what I should bring, so that I would be extra prepared for ANYTHING that could possibly happen.

But, then, I realized my own doubts and negativity was keeping me from really savoring this moment, the happiness I felt when I first landed this gig. I was letting these unwanted thoughts try to defeat me, even before anything had started. I needed to be confident. I needed to chant more.

So, this is the conclusion I've come to thus far:

I should be myself. I'll bring whatever I feel I would bring to any occasion, as if it were any other job that I was working. Pen, paper, meds, etc., plus the 50 copies of the release form that the production supervisor asked me to print out. I don't need to feel pressure about what others do for their PA jobs. They are not me, and I am not them. I may not have a reel and resume on hand, but they will see what I am capable of doing in action, and I think that maybe the most important thing of all: how much effort I will put in for the success of a project.

I have the gohonzon. All I can do is chant so that I can be Swift, Tactful, Aware, and Resourceful for the duration of the job. To be the most capable person I am, to bring out the most potential that I can for tomorrow so that they know who Sarah "Kusho" Kakusho is, but more importantly, so I can leave with a sense of accomplishment. With a "I did my best today" smile.

Days leading up to this point have been so tiring. I've been passing out on my bed after work every day this week, and then waking up to work on the SOL video at night. But despite the dog-tired days and the sleepless nights, I've never felt more alive than now. I am moving forward mystically. My whole being is starting to move toward my goal of becoming an Oscar nominee within the next 10 years.

But, tomorrow, I take my first physical step.

Landed one!

So, a friend of mine messaged me last night and asked me if I was interested in a PA job on the 11th of July. I was like HELL YEAH. He gave me her contact information and decided to give her a call. It's confirmed.

I GOT MY FIRST PA GIG!

I'm really excited to be able to work on set with professionals. It's really exciting. Granted, I have to make the extra effort to make myself stand out more on grad applications. But this is a started.

I am determined and I am ready.

Questions for the EC Candidates

I. As SSU executive council what is your specific vision for SUA in the next academic year?

Although I feel it’s hard to say because the dynamics of the student body changes yearly which strongly influences the dynamics of SUA as a whole, I want to strengthen communication, between departments, between faculty, between administration and staff, and especially between other students. Not just having a one-way stream of communication, but having a two-way stream so that there’s always a possibility for mutual understanding.

Also, bringing back and/or improving, centralized information for students, the Pearl, SSU Pubs, SSU newsletter, etc. Having each department write for these resources to update on what has been going on so that it is easily accessible, easy to find, for everyone on campus.

Hopefully, this will allow for promotion of upcoming events and provide as a catalyst for people to support in whatever way they can for these departments. The key is to spark the seeking spirit, the desire for people to find each other, talk to each other, motivate each other, and embrace each others’ differences in interests and cultures. Connection = communication = unity.

I think it’s time to centralize past records of everything into a student archive so that it’s available to students. It’s one of the many ways that we can ensure that the future SUA students connect with the founding classes, to see where SUA’s foundation came from (i.e. for us now, the first four classes).


II. 1) How will you cultivate sensitivity among the student body regarding the issue of SGI and non-SGI members? 2) To what degree do you think incoming students should be made aware that a majority of students are SGI members, should this information be made known to students before they come to SUA, upon arrival (during the CORE period) or not at all?

SUA’s non-SGI member population is slowly increasing with each class. Because it is such a sensitive issue, the most I think we would be able to do as a school is to have a wide-scale dialogue about the issue, as we have done during Student Festival in 2006, where one whole session was dedicated to talking about the issue of SGI and non-SGI members. I think religion also very personal as well, so perhaps, even if we did do this on a grand scale it won’t be as helpful as it would talking to individuals, for example on a roommate-to-roommate basis, although I would have to say, it’s better to have this type of discussion earlier than later. I don’t know about the situation of this now, since I was not here when 2012 entered as a class. But, if it’s still in large issue, it’ll definitely be something for me to look into, to learn more about for myself as a student, not just a prospective EC member.


III. 1) How will you push SUA towards environmental sustainability? 2) How can EC best utilize the new environmental department and 3) how will you, in your position, pursue environmental suitability without collaboration of Green Planet or Environmental Department?

Limit event/activity promotion via paper, push more towards online advertising and promotion using resources like podcasts and webvideocasts. I think it’s already a start that ED was established in order to push SUA towards environment sustainability. To help it move forward further, I can see ED holding events like the Eco-Olympics which was talked about last year to allow for “humanitarian competition” on campus to drive the students to be more eco-conscious. Also continuing the research of how to be environmentally conscious can be instilled not only within the students, but pushing the all other Soka staff and faculty to do this as well. Within my position, regardless of if the amendments pass or not (though I highly think they will be passed), I will uphold those and encourage others to abide by those as well because it’s definitely a huge step to do it on a campus-wide scale, but EC members should also be a role model in leading the students to take more eco-friendly actions. Simply turning off the lights when I leave the room; recycling all that can be recycled.


IV. In what way do you think you can be a positive role model for the student body?

Be open for conversation on anything, from issues about SUA to daily life. Definitely putting academics as priority as we are all students, but equally as high, protecting the students, which would require time-management, knowing my limits and staying relaxed. If the students see that the people representing them are stressed, how could they feel at ease? But I think the key thing is to be myself, and not letting the leadership role hinder myself as a person.


V. What will you do to facilitate dialogue between students and faculty?

Encourage students to go to faculty hiring sessions which allow students to make the initial connection with prospective professors, since it is an opportunity for students to be a part of the hiring process. Make it be known that because we have such a small faculty-student ratio, students should take the opportunity to utilize office hours. Also, to better the transparency issue between faculty-student dialogues, help AD maintain communication. Again, encouraging multi-streamed communication.


VI. How will you get a cohesive understanding of student's thoughts?

Uninterrupted listening. It’s definitely important to see the overall spectrum of what a person’s thoughts encompass, to not judge and have preconceived notions that the person you’re talking to is on a certain “side” of an issue. It’s important that the understanding of the person has just as much justification as another person’s. In this way, although reaching out to every single person is not too realistic, among the EC members, it’s important to get as much input from the students with this mindset, to learn from the students because they have just as much potential to contribute.

I don’t know how much more to elaborate. What are you referring to in this respect?


VII. What efforts, if any, will you take in order to make Student Forum less about advertising and more about students expressing their views?

By stepping up the use of SSU Publications and other resources and directing students more to these resources, it would allow for more time during the Open Mic part of Student Forum. There is no point in having resources like these if it’s just going to be reiterated at forums. Rather than announcing everything at student forums, we could direct students to these resources so that it would not only save time for Open Mic, but it’ll spotlight those who work hard for these resources to be made possible. Also, possibly incorporate short dialogue sessions about proposed ideas for Open Mic during the forums, or even shortly after the student forums.

Other courses of action would be to hold town hall meetings, similar to what RHA did last year, where during lunch and/or dinner, students can openly talk about issues at designated tables.


VIII. What efforts, if any, will you take in order to keep study abroad students updated while they are away from SUA? (I ask this because many students who have recently returned have said that the weekly reports did not provide adequate information)

In terms of elections, the situation as of last year’s Q&A, the candidates abroad were only relayed the questions asked by the students and EC and not the answers of the other candidates. I’ll definitely look into two-way communication for candidates who are abroad so that they can be fully a part of the Q&A. As for the other study abroaders, either make videos available of speeches and Q&As, and/or utilize the same two-way system as the candidates except with requests that mics are muted.

Also, rather than trying to “recreate the wheel,” we continuously support the development of SSU Publications and bring back the SSU newsletter to establish it as the central source for information.


IX. What do you feel the role of ISD is at SUA, and how will you be able to work with AD to justify or explain the reasoning for ISD's placement under the academic department?

ISD is important to SUA because it helps us understand the philosophy behind the institution from a leader who has dedicated his whole being to creating positive connections with people all around the world. Not that I’m saying other university founders don’t get that credit either. I think the overall idea of ISD is to engage students in one example of how to live contributively on a global scale. And ISD, or at least what I experienced my freshmen year, helps students find ways for them to contribute on a local scale, what they can do, through seeing the examples of the founder and his efforts for “world peace,” the mutual understanding of the human spirit, what we all strive for.

In my opinion, because ISD serves this role, it’s in a way fostering students to learn outside of the classroom setting. But, who knows, depending on the dynamic of SUA next year, maybe it’ll break away from AD just as SESRP has. The important thing is students are able to actively engage in dialogue and learn something from each other through the founder’s words. How do we interpret his words for future SUA students when the founder will no longer be around to write and engage in dialogue? How do we continue passing the founding spirit that SUA’s mottos and principles were founded on?


X. What course of action will you take if a student has strong objections to the actions of executive council or any other group under the SSU?

Sitting down and talking to him/her is #1, listening to his/her concerns and worries about the actions of EC (also refer to the other question regarding understanding students’ thoughts). And then from there, see if there’s anything that can be done about the situation like giving reasons of why actions were handled the way they were, etc. Given that there are possibilities of unsolvable problems, the next best thing is to at least have an understanding between the student and EC.

There will always be people who won’t agree with certain actions taken by EC, but hopefully, the actions made by EC, specifically speaking of the EC team I may be a part of if I’m elected, will be justifiable, since the actions made by EC should ALWAYS be for the sake of the students.

It’s kind of hard to answer this question because there are so many possibilities for different situations.

Concluding Observations, Inspirations & Statements: Change of Times, Change of Mind

The moment I set foot on campus for the first time in 7 months, I knew this learning cluster would have to be the best because it would be my last. Arriving to this point in time, now that these long, agonizing yet fun three weeks have ended I have come to many conclusions. It’s interesting to reflect on projects that have tangible outcomes. Being able to realize a movie right before my eyes isn’t something new (I’ve done it countless of times before), yet each time something is created, it’s as if giving birth to something that’s alive again and a rebirth of oneself.

What is an artist’s work of art without a part of her? This movie that I produced this time in particular I had a personal connection with. Being abroad and learning about film, I learned of an up and coming genre called “mumblecore” in which movies of this genre focus on the relationships between each of the characters. These types of movies were usually beyond low-budget and were created by filmmakers in their 20s. To say the least, I strongly became attached to this type of genre as I came to know more movies within this genre like Nights and Weekends and Baghead because I could relate to how these directors created these films: as poor, 20-some year-old, digital camera owners who found film as their way out, their way to express themselves. Back to the movie that we (Young and I) produced, I was able to take this attachment and apply it to this film.

The more the script developed into something of its own, the more I realized how much it was taking form into my own reflection of the past 2 years of my learning cluster days. There are moments in the room scenes of the movie where I can recall moments of my past playing out in the same manner: arguing and bickering over a single issue of the movie that eventually evolves into an argument of a personal matter that has nothing to do with the film. This year I didn’t have a problem with this, quite possibly because my group had only two people in it, which brings me to my next realization.

The less is more, in all aspects. Although initially I thought it was a huge disadvantage to lose to people after so many days of working with them, I didn’t think it was that much of a drawback after I realized how much easier it was to get things done just because there were less people to run by an idea. Agreeing upon the dialogue of the script, choosing shots, editing and cutting scenes; all of it was easier than in the past. The last two years, I stressed myself over the top (my friends outside of my learning clusters will vouch). This year, I was still stressed; however, it was to a lesser extent. Maybe it was because I was working with less people; maybe it was because I was sick for almost the entirety of the film’s production; or maybe I even had a change in the way I work that allowed me to be less uptight. Nevertheless, my stress level, which I needed to control to avoid health consequences, dropped significantly while at the same time, maintaining the same drive and hard work to complete this year’s LC film.

However, during the creative process, I felt a longing for something, something that I might’ve wanted especially this year because I’ve been abroad for a semester. As with every year, I was working on a movie while everyone else went to class. While I got to play around with cameras and editing software, everyone else was getting lectured and reading books. Of course, the education best for my future was the former, but during the whole process, for some inexplicable reason, I was yearning for the latter. There was a sort of separation between me and the other people on campus, which was especially apparent because I had friends outside of the cluster. I never really understood or rather even noticed this feeling of isolation and estrangement until I found a quote by a director, Bryan Singer, who nailed it right on the dot:

“I’m actually part of a number of minorities. I grew up being a horribly awkward kid. A terrible student. And now I find myself as a filmmaker, and you feel kind of alone in the world because you’re separate from everyone else.”

I’m sure this is the case with any form of art, not just film. The lives of artists, though filled with so many collaborations with other people, are so enclosed in a world that they create that they isolate themselves from the reality around them in order to make their world a reality that can exist in everyone’s world, everyone’s reality. It’s a risk that has to be taken to be able to realize that small world for everyone to see. Now that I look back on the past learning clusters as well, I was always too busy, too stressed working on the film to even stop and think for myself. This year because my group managed to use our time, we had a little time to rest (which I needed because I was sick). During these moments I realized this.

Around my friends, who aren’t interested in filmmaking, I feel that there’s no one in the world that will understand the world I will be getting into. As arrogant as it may sound, it’s hard to live life as a filmmaker unless you’re living it, breathing it; therefore, it is hard to just tell anyone who hasn’t been through the process what one is going through. You just don’t know what you’re getting yourself into until you’re stuck in the middle of it. Although it usually doesn’t hinder my other friendships, there’s a little sense of sadness that shows itself during every production. In the past I think I accepted this feeling mainly because I wasn’t fully aware of where this feeling was coming from. Now that I’m aware, I know that I have even a greater mission to create something that even people outside of industry can appreciate. Although I could go on about the endless realizations I’ve had throughout my last learning cluster, it would take eons to read.

So, we’ve arrived at the end (of the production and quite possibly of this paper also), and the importance of humanity in art, not just film, has never been so apparent. Today in society, we are so enwrapped in the world of technology that people don’t have to see eye-to-eye or hear each others’ voices to communicate; it’s all texting and emailing now. I noticed this about the States, especially after coming back from abroad, but Americans are so busy, they fall into routine. They get up, go to work, go home, watch TV because they’re too tired to do anything else and sleep. Repeat. We need creativity in our lives to be able to break free of these routines, creativity in the most general sense, to create a life worth living for ourselves. We could live these routines everyday and not have a problem with it, but does it make us happy? Daisaku Ikeda, the founder of our university said:

“The institutions of human society treat us as parts of a machine. They assign us ranks and place considerable pressure upon us to fulfill defined roles. We need something to help us restore our lost and distorted humanity. Each of us has feelings that have been suppressed and have built up inside. There is a voiceless cry resting in the depths of our souls, waiting for expression. Art gives the soul's feelings voice and form.”

As a filmmaker, as an artist, as a person of the human race, it’s crucial to help revitalize that humanity through the films I make and the life I live. There are definitely both high points and low points in my life during the weeks I spend creating a film, but that’s what reminds me that I’m human. Filmmakers could create a society of its own; though there are tumultuous times in the midst of disagreements, regardless of differences, it’s a group of people that work together toward a common goal to create something meaningful. It may turn out that that something isn’t very meaningful to the audience, but it’s certainly meaningful to those who were creating it. Why? Because, I firmly believe every creation is an extension of the self and that creativity is certainly one way (if not the most surprising) to learn about our potential and expand our lives.

Doubts: Is it Still Right for Me?

It's nearly a month since I've been back in the States from one of the most amazing, life-changing 5 months in my life. It's safe to say that I do miss my freedom in a city that never sleeps. But, perhaps, what I miss more is to be able to free my mind, to allow words to lead me places in my subconscious and even my unconscious I would never be able to see in my waking life. So, here it is again. Blogging culture certainly has gotten me going again, and what better to way to start it off with doubts.

It's amazing how much can occur mentally in the span of one night. The human psyche is amazing, and if I had the chance, I would study it more.

My current emotional states: lonely, restless, and down-right confused

Every year when I made my films with the teams I worked with, I knew intrinsically that there was something different about how I was as a person: how I acted to people outside of my teams; how I treated them; how I talked to them. It didn't matter who it was, whether it was friends or acquaintances, but regardless, frankly, because we were all very busy, I never took that into account.

But, I've had a breakthrough.

This year, because I myself was in charge of a project and I was able to create my own timeline and movement sheet, I could make use of the time more efficiently, without having to stay up all night just to get a scene completed. However, despite being able to make more time to do other things, I was still exhausted. Sleepless. My mind was restless at night, as it is now.

And, lately especially, I've been feeling a little down. I think it hit me for the first time just how alone I am in my endeavors to create something. I think I've always known it. It was the same in high school when I began the first stages of Project esCAPE. My ideas were too grandiose for people to just sit through, listening to them, and give me feedback on. Sometimes, I wasn't even given the chance. So, I locked these ideas away, kept them safely in my heart. It was like a small world that the people were not ready to see, or rather a world that they didn't want to see.

And now, to bring it back to the context today, I am working on a movie while everyone else goes to class. While I get to play around with cameras and editing software, everyone else is writing papers, reading books and interacting with each other. Of course, the education best for my future is the former, but right now, for some inexplicable reason, I'm yearning for the latter. I never really understood this feeling of isolation and estrangement until I found a quote by a director, Bryan Singer, who nailed it right on the dot:

"I'm actually part of a number of minorities. I grew up being a horribly awkward kid. A terrible student. And now I find myself as a filmmaker, and you feel kind of alone in the world because you're separate from everyone else."

I'm sure this is the case with any art, not just film. The lives of artists, though filled with so many collaborations, are so enclosed in a world that they create that they isolate themselves from the reality around them in order to make their world a reality that can exist in everyone's world, everyone's reality. At the end of the day when a project is finished, half the times, you never see the people you worked with again.

I feel that there's no one in the world that will understand the world I will be getting into. As arrogant as it may sound, it's hard to live life as a filmmaker unless you're living it, breathing it. You just don't know what you're getting yourself into until you're stuck in the middle of it. Was I caught up in this trap? I don't know where to turn anymore. Like I lost myself again.

How am I going to continue on this path? All the arrows point me in this direction and yet I feel that there's something unsettling. What am I afraid of? What's keeping me from spreading my wings fully and soaring? I feel I've come too far to turn around. What would I do if film wasn't my calling? Film had been my life up to this point. Why doesn't it feel like that now? Maybe this is the sanshoshima, the devilish function (the function within everyone that seeks to subvert truth through falsehood) and I need a means to overcome it. I need to chant more.

Where is the fighting spirit that I had that got me through study abroad? Where is the spirit that drove me to come this far?

Where the fuck did it go?

Studied Abroad for 6 Months

The stories are here: 156 Days in Argentina: Kusho-Style